LC Sports at the Movies: Domestic Disturbance

10922707_800We’re starting a new feature around here where we watch terrible movies and blog about them. I drew the short straw and took a plunge into the first terrible movie of our series… suggested by Sports Editor Aaron Van Tuyl. Starring Vince Vaughn before he became funny and John Travolta after he got fat, Domestic Disturbance was released in 2001 and is about a divorce involving Travolta’s character and the next husband for his ex-wife not being all that he seemed. This movie received a 23 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and if you want to buy it (I don’t know why) you can go here. 

Shall we get started with the movie blog? Yes lets…
9:22 – It’s a sailboat movie. Which considering the Van Tuyl’s are accomplished boatmen, I should have known. Growing up in Eastern Washington, we didn’t have any sailboats, or oceans, or rain.

Ah and look at John Travolta – a down on his luck sailboat maker and perfect dad that is going through a divorce. Since when do you fail in business at making sailboats for rich people?

9:27 – So John Travolta’s son is named Danny and he’s more moodier than a Cullen. This better not turn into a vampire movie. Vince Vaughn is Danny’s soon-to-be stepdad. “Everyone thinks he’s a nice guy,” says the ex-wife which is the international sign for “this guy is going to be a serial killer. Also he’s apparently dressed like a Ralph Lauren model.

9:32 – Travolta’s attending his ex wife’s wedding? Talk about AWKWARD. But so is Travolta’s second chin and slicked back hair.

9:35 – GARY BUSCEMI shows up! This is awesome. I think I actually remember hearing that during the making of this movie that Buscemi got stabbed in a bar fight that Vaughn started. Yep! Just looked it up on Wikipedia and this actually happened.

9:38 – Vaughn plays a game of catch with Danny and shows that he has the range of Ryan Howard. It quickly devolves into the two arguing and Vaughn telling Danny he throws like crap. Ahhh, quit reminding me of high school baseball! Somehow I feel like this is how some C2BL coaches feel when their team can’t turn a tailor-made double play ball … again and again.

9:47 – “He threw the ball really hard at me and tried to hurt me.” Danny tells Travolta… this is quickly devolving into one of those Lifetime movies where the babysitter kills everyone. Also in this conversation…
“Nobody wants wooden boats anymore”
“Since she got her braces off, she’s a total fox.”

9:50 – Buscemi was wearing glasses inside a a diner. His character must actually be Johnny Cage.
“You know what I’ve noticed, there’s no adult bookstores in this town.”
Yep. Oh and he’s staying at the Shady Tree Motel.

9:52 – Vaughn meets up with Buscemi and it’s revealed that he “worked outside the law.” I feel like actual criminals talk like this.

9:54 – The ex-wife is pregnant. Danny Cullen is not happy. Despite it being “the happiest day of his life” Vaughn’s character quickly has to leave town to meet up with Buscemi’s character. Like two minutes after learning the ex wife is pregnant.

9:57 – This Danny kid sneaks into Vaughn’s suburban and hides in the back with no explanation given as to why. Vaughn meets up with Buscemi who is on his 90th cigarette in the movie.

10:00 – ANNNND Vaughn kills Buscemi. While pretending to look for a map in the drivers seat of his SUV. Ah 2001. Oh and Vaughn uses an incinerator to dispose of the body because, you know, those are always handy. He then uses a handi-wipe for the few drops of blood on the front seat. Because bodies dont bleed when they’re stabbed in the back.

10:04 – Vaughn is the worst murderer ever. How does a kid like Danny evade his notice in the car and the convenient incinerator area? When’s the last time you’ve ran into a “sneaky” preteen? It’s not like Danny was some kind of damn Ninja.

10:07 – Danny runs to Travolta’s and tells the police that Vaughn killed a man with a trident. Everyone’s response “Whatever, kid.”

10:13 – And is it common for the murder suspect to join the witness when he’s telling the police how the murder happened? “Lets have the guy that just stabbed someone come in and sit by you. Make you feel all comfortable during this entire process.”

10:15 – Apparently a handi-wipe is all you need to clean up a crime scene. Oh and the body couldn’t be found at the incinerator. A CLUE SHERLOCK! MAYBE THEY USED THE INCINERATOR ON THE BODY!!! This police department is hopeless.

10:25 – Vaughn sneaks into Danny’s room and threatens him. I mean nobody believes this kid anyways, so why threaten him? What’s the point?

10:29 – So Travolta’s character is swinging wildly from believing and not believing his own son in a 2-minute period in the film. This makes perfect sense. Wait, if Travolta didn’t believe Danny in the first place then why take him to the police department? CONTRADICTIONS. If he did believe him, why let his son go home with a murderer?

“He lies, to his mother, grandmother, the police. But My son doesn’t lie to me.”
“I didn’t kill anyone, Rick.”
“You know, probably not.”

What?

10:33 – Ex-wife: “Do you think I’m so desperate for a man I would endanger my own child?”
Well you did just totally blow off murder charges from your own child… so yeah?

10:38 – John Travolta tells the ex-wife he’s taking his kid to his place. She argues because… well I mean she has such great logic that she’s married a murderer. I mean wouldn’t that make sense even if this kid is lying… let him stay with dad because he’s not getting along with the stepdad. Let things cool down from the whole ACCUSED OF MURDER thing. Travolta says he’s taking the kid, punches a random parent/guy trying to step in. Drives off. Within like 20 seconds police respond to kidnapping charges but it turns out the wife doesn’t want to press charges for kidnapping (So then why call the cops?). This movie is spiraling out of control.

10:47 – Stopped to make popcorn if I’m going to experience this many plot holes.

10:48 – Ah, I see Travolta’s new girlfriend is not on board with Travolta fighting for custody of his kid because it would be “holding onto your old life.” What? His son is living will a killer. Wouldn’t you want him out of there? Anyways, she leaves Travolta and is never seen in the movie again.

10:50 – Vaughn is like “Heyyyy, let Danny live at his dads for a while.” Yet the mom isn’t buying this. So this whole situation sits at: Danny wants to live with his dad, his dad wants Danny with live with him, Vaughn wants Danny to live with his dad.

10:53 – So they’re having a custody battle and Danny is brought in front of a judge. Danny tells the judge he made up the whole murder thing (Because secretly Vaughn had earlier threatened Danny that if he didn’t stay with them he would hurt Travolta even though a minute earlier he wanted Danny to go live with his dad. Whatever, script).

11:03 – Vaughn wins a Chamber of Commerce Award as the movie tries to show “HEY LOOK THIS GUY IS BELOVED BY THE COMMUNITY.” Travolta is waiting outside the Chamber of Commerce to accost Vaughn, his ex-wife and Danny. Because, why not.

11:08 – Ah John Travolta has just made the realization that the body was incinerated in the incinerator. A point missed by police. Now Travolta is going from hotel to hotel checking for a Ray Coleman’s (Buscemi’s character) transaction history. You know, police work the police should have done.

11:12 – Ah John Travolta has discovered Buscemi’s lighter. He’s on the TRAIL!!!! “WHAT BASKETBALL TEAM DID HE ROOT FOR?!” John Travolta asks Buscemi’s Lady of the Night friend. Then he does an MSN search of Ray Coleman. Yes an MSN Search. Which automatically leads him to a 2001 webpage of the “Chicago Enquirer” that shows Coleman was involved in a Raketeering case. As if you could find anything with an MSN search in 2001. And guess what? VAUGHN’s character is involved.

So you’re telling me the police didn’t even bother finding this guy’s name and typing it in an MSN search? Seriously?

11:21 – Vaughn out of nowhere with the blunt object to the head… right after Travolta grabs the article he printed in color off his inkjet.

11:25 – Vaughn tries to set the boathouse on fire with Travolta in it. But sets himself on fire instead.

11:26 – Smoke inhalation not a problem for Travolta apparently. Oh and after the Travolta’s house burns down (which makes the news) the mom sees the burns on Vaughn’s arm. AND NOW SHE SUDDENLY BELIEVES HIM. Tells Vaughn they’re going somewhere and he can somehow tell she’s lying because you know MINDREADING.

11:32 – Danny baseball bats Vaughn. Lots of head injuries in this film. He then grabs his mom’s phone which is a Nokia cell phone. Vaughn pops out of nowhere, un-concuss, BUT HERE COMES TRAVOLTA. Vaughn throws Travolta through a car window. Still no concussions by anyone.

11:35 – Vaughn hits the fuse box with a crowbar he was using and electrocutes himself. Because this has never been done before in the history of movies.

11:39 – This mom really owes her son an apology. And with all the authorities at the house now, the police chief finally apologizes for not doing a single ounce of police work. Also apparently there will be no further investigation into how Vaughn died (where did his head wound come from and all the signs of struggle in the house?) This police department just doesn’t take murders seriously.

11:42 – Movie over. If I paid eight dollars to see that in theaters, I would have killed Steve Buscemi too.

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